Trust with out going CRAZY

Have you ever experienced a peace but feel restless? and keep hitting a wall, until you’re hitting the wall with your head saying “OK, already’! “I trust you, and I’m waiting on you, but couldn’t you hurry it up a little?! I’m going stir crazy down here!”

That’s how I’m feeling right now. I’m trusting Him, trusting Him to provide everything, and show me what to do next. But I’m going a little stir crazy especially when He’s just saying “wait and pray”.

I’m reminded of the verse

Pro 3:5  Trust in יהוה with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding;

It puts me in check when I read it. I know He’s up there just sayin “trust and wait, stop trying to analyze things”. And I’m down here saying “Hurry up, I’m getting stir crazy and my patience is wearing thin”. I have patience but it sometimes only goes so far, and He’s stretching it. That’s probably a good thing, I sure could use more. But I’m driving my family up the wall, with my pacing (not literally).

I’m trusting Him and waiting for His timing but at this point time seems to be running short. I keep asking Him if I’ve done anything to disrupt the flow of His timing, but He just says to keep praying.

So last night I did something I haven’t done in a while. I gave everything to my Abba.

I gave it to Him, I gave everything to Him, including myself.

You can’t do that enough. As I said, I trusted Him, but I didn’t give it to Him. There’s a difference. You can trust Him and carry the burden on your own shoulders, you can give it to Him and put it on the shelf and forget to trust Him on it, or you can both trust Him on it and give it to Him. I did that last night. I still feel the need to pray, but I don’t feel like I’m carrying everything. Its in His hands, and because of that it is in the best hands it could ever be in.

And you can do it too. You’ve just gotta ask Him. Its that simple, it may seem hard, but it really isn’t. Ok for someone that doesn’t like anyone helping them, then yeah it’s a bit harder. I can understand that.

Most people (especially my parents) say I’m dependent on people, but I’m also independent. I don’t like asking for help and, I’m not real fond of accepting help. Something I’m working on. But it’s a trial, accepting and asking for help has been a big thing for me, I suppose it comes from pride. Most people see me as incapable, so I try not to show any weakness or need for help. I’m always trying to find a way to prove myself, and I hate dislike being dependent on anyone, and I know that’s wrong. I know I can’t do everything myself, and that Yahuweh works through people to help me. But I still struggle, I just don’t like accepting help, but I’ve gotten better over the years. At least I think I have or maybe it seems that way because no one has offered to help with my backpack, or things like that for a while. I guess I need to work on this a little more.

After my dad reads this post he’s going to be talking to me about this, being dependent, independent, and accepting help thing.

I think I just need to get over the fear of being seen as an incapable, frail, girl, that can’t do squat. I’ve always been scared of that ever since I turned 13 and people started calling me a young lady. I didn’t want to get walked over so I tried to become more tough and pushed anyone who wanted to help me away. A mistake I made, and a hard one to unlearn, and undo.

Being an older sister -and having my younger sister turning 13 in the near future-I don’t want her to make that mistake. I don’t want her to let people walk over her, but I don’t want her to push people away. I want her to be proud (in a good way) of becoming a young lady. Not be scared of it like I was.

I still bristle and wince at the word young lady. It was never used in a bad way, it wasn’t a step in life that I was ever thrilled about because it wasn’t talked about nor clarified, on how, what, I should behave, if I should be any different. Because after I turned 13 my brothers friends dads told them that they had to start treating me as a young lady. And that included holding the door open, letting me go first, picking up heavy things for me. I chaffed under that. I mean it was good and everything, but as I explained above…..

It just confused me, made me feel like I wasn’t who I was and that I had to change. I resented that. So I tried to push away anything girly. Not in the way I dress, obviously, but in the way I act. I try to show people I can be as tough as any boy, and that causes people to back off a lot. Not a good thing when you’re trying to make friends.

So that is my long story, on this issue. There’s actually more but that would just take forever. Besides I’m sure I’ve bored you 1/2 to sleep.


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