I was talking to my family the other day, about our 7 month backpacking trip, and how we’ve been living for the last just over 1 1/2 years.
And I thought to myself, “I wonder, why does He think I’m strong enough for this”?
I’ll be honest I don’t know. Sometimes I think that wouldn’t it be better if I wasn’t strong enough, and then He would go easier on me. But then again, I wouldn’t be me. I’ve got the mentality of what my mom calls a soldier, just because its hard, that’s all the more reason to try harder.
Let me explain something about those 7 months.
When we left North America, we were prepared for North American style of camping. We didn’t realize how much different it was. I knew from the moment that we landed, that -yes we were supposed to go on this trip (I knew before we left as well)-, it would be the hardest thing we’ve ever done.
That was proven as soon as we put our backpacks on and walked out the door:
1. they were so heavy that we couldn’t lift them ourselves, it took two people to pick one up and get it on the one persons back (for the big ones really).
2. we knew nothing about what we were doing.
3. everything was pretty much double to triple what we would pay in Canada.
We managed, but I still remember the first week, He was in it, yes. But, it was still very hard. We all remember that first week and it was horrible! But He was with us. By the time we got up to the Isles of Lewis, -He was still with us- we were worn out. We didn’t have anything left really. Then with the hardships we faced there, it took everything out of us. I started to die, inside, I know there were others in the family that were already dead, just living on the outside. I was dead by the time we arrived in Birmingham. I was no longer the light hearted, smiling laughing girl I once was. I had a frown on my face more often than a smile.
It just got worse and worse as time went on. No one smiled anymore and if they did it was only for a brief moment. I hated looking into the mirror and seeing my eyes, because all I saw, instead of the spark that was once there, I saw sorrow there, sorrow and emptiness. I saw that in all our eyes. There was no longer the spark of life that there once was in each of us. Even Erin was no longer the clown and cheerful girl she once was, and it took a lot to take her down.
Now, I know most of you will say, oh you’re just complaining. But, I’m being honest, that trip was a miracle, not only, Joseph making it was a miracle, but that all of us made it. Because if you looked at the facts and statistics the odds were against us.
I know Abba Father was with us on that journey, not just because of the small miracles, but because, if it wasn’t for Him sustaining us, I’m pretty sure we wouldn’t have made it.
I was alive but I had no will to live,
I had breath but no dreams,
I had life but nothing to live for.
That’s how it was for all of us. That’s why I say, it is His will that we be alive today. It was His will that we went on that journey, and that’s why we survived it.
My old dreams are gone, they’re gone with my old life. Some of the old dreams are still alive, but they aren’t the same as before. That seven month trip taught me something: life is precious, and to live is to put your life in His hands, because until you face something that puts everything in Him, your life, and those you hold dear, life never looks the same again.
Even now I know that anything can happen in my life. Even though I am only 16, I know that life is short, and that there are more than one way of dying. I’ve died a total of 2 ways.
The first way, I died to self, and accepted Yahushua in my life. (John 3:16)
The second happened on the trip, I died. Not physically of course but, everything inside me did.
So now that I’ve explained that to the best of my ability.
You can see why I wonder why I’m strong enough. I remember coaching myself for a whole 7 months saying “you’re ok, perfectly fine and have no excuse to stop or drop unless you literally drop cannot get back up or cannot get out of bed. But until you drop you keep marching”. Even though I could drop and not go any farther I pushed myself, and I wouldn’t let anyone else in my family drop either. I would not leave anyone behind.
I treated myself and others around me as soldiers. That is how I kept moving. But wouldn’t it be easier to be weaker than I am and then He might let me live in a house in one spot? No, it wouldn’t. I wouldn’t be true, I would be hiding and not taking up my stake for Him.
Do you remember reading in the history book or watching movies, about WW1 and WW2? How the soldiers even though they knew it would be tough and harsh, went anyway. Because that was the right thing to do, and if they didn’t go they would regret it. Many came back shell shocked, and with PTSD. I can compare that a bit with my life. To go is tough and harsh, with out the comforts of home. To stay would be something I would regret for the rest of my life.
We have not come out of this 1 1/2 year trip unscathed, no we all have our scars, our PTSD. Yes, I said PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Anyone can have PTSD. If you’re in a car accident and you’re afraid of cars or nervous to ride in one afterwards. That’s still PTSD, because you’ve been through a traumatic situation and PTSD is the after affect.
He sees me as strong enough to live this way, to go through the sorrows and hardships we must endure. I feel some how strangely blessed.
Imagine that, I feel blessed that He’s taken all worldly security from me, I have no house, no car, no place to call home and yet I feel strangely blessed. You must be thinking you’re crazy! you have almost nothing to call your own, yet you feel Blessed!?!? What are you NUTS!!!!!
Actually I may be insane! But He chose the fools to confound the wise (1 Cor 1:27). I wouldn’t substitute His choice of life for me for a mansion and the best that money can buy.
I said to my family one day. You know He’s putting us through a test like He did Job.
Job lost everything
He told us to give up everything
Job went through hardships, pain and suffering.
He’s put us through hardships, pain and suffering.
Job never forsake YHWH, but he did put himself as knowing more than Elohim.
During all of these hardships (that started way before we left North America) we have not forsaken Him, but, yes we fought with Him and cried out WHY!
Father corrected Job in his wrong. But, He also forgave him.
Father corrected us in where we were wrong, but, He has forgiven us.
Job’s trials were a test, to see if he would endure and continue to say that YHWH is righteous.
Fathers putting us through the fire, to see if we will come out still saying that He is righteous.
Job was given twice what was taken from him, and was considered righteous in YHWH eyes.
I have no idea what He has for us after the fire.
I actually don’t even know if this is the end of His test or this is just the beginning of the furnace. I don’t think I want to know the answer to that.
But if I do know something, He has a sense of humor, and sometimes I think its an inside joke, because I don’t get what’s so funny. But if He doesn’t have a sense of humor how on earth would we have one.
Coming soon Part 2.