He’s building us back up after the 7 month trip. I think it may take a bit of time. But I want to see that spark in my family again, I want to feel free again. To laugh, to see my family laugh, to see my younger siblings run and play, laugh and be themselves. My older brother to have that spark in his eyes, to be who he is meant to be. My parents to be able to watch their children to grow up with a smile on their face. Not to always have to think about where we are supposed to be next, or how they are going to afford the next pair of shoes. To take the worry lines from their faces. Its amazing what we take for granted.
I miss my sister drawing something, and being excited to show everyone what she did, and how she’s gotten better. My little brother, playing with cars and trucks, having that serious expression that always gave my mom joy, but could be turned into a joyful smile so easily. My older brother, yes he was often a know-it-all, but I miss his smile. Not the one he puts on now, that ones fake and only because he has to smile, I miss his true smile. The one that says, all is right in the world, or at least all is going well with my family. I can compare two pictures and I see the difference.
I can’t tell you how much I miss that. How much I miss my moms spark, my dads too. How many times I think about it and nearly can’t hold back my tears. Abba did not destroy the family, like Abba did not destroy Job, I don’t know why He’s taken the joy. Oh sure I can jump around and smile and look all joyful. But true joy for longer than 1/2 hour? I haven’t felt that for almost 2 years. But He’s still with us saying, “Hold on, I’ll hold you up while you cannot stand.”
This is my cry this is my prayer:
I was alive but I had no will to live,
I had breath but no dreams,
I had life but nothing to live for.
I want to:
Be alive and have the will to live,
Have breath and put my dreams to action,
Have life and have a whole world to live for!
This is my cry this is my prayer, Abba hear me! Heal us, bind up these broken hearts and make us a living, walking, loving, testimony for YOU!
(what I mean by world, is to see and take all the opportunities that He has for me out there, and in my own home)
To be alive and to live, not only for what He has for my life, but to live for Him to help others.
Why does He think I’m strong enough? Is it because I won’t back down, from a challenge? Hey, He knows I won’t I told Him so when I was 13. Maybe its because I know my life would be worth nothing without Him in it, and to make sure I keep Him in my life I will go. I’ve told Him that when the time comes and He sends me out, I want to be in the thick of it. Where I can help the most, where I can be of the most service to Him. My life wouldn’t matter any other way, I will either die serving Him and helping people, or He will preserve my life, either way He’s holding my life in His hands, and that’s just fine with me!
Back to the point. He doesn’t think that I’m strong enough, He knows I’m strong enough. He won’t give us more than we can take. He will stretch us out to our limit, and I mean to the absolute total limit, and what can feel like a bit beyond the limit. He may break us so that we can be made new. But He won’t break us, so that we cannot get back up. If we let Him, He always builds us back up stronger than before.
Yahushua said: Take heart, I have over come the world. (John 16:33b)
He already has our victory, He already has my victory, now I just need to reach out and grab hold of it. Remember we are strong enough, He would never give us something that we cannot handle. We might feel weak and puny but He knows better.
But, seeing my family like this breaks my heart. That’s why I’m praying for a place to settle or a place to stay for a while, so He can work in us all, and bring back the joy, the life in each of us. But, His will be done.
Thank you, all who prayed for us while we were on the journey and afterwards. You have no idea what your prayers meant and still mean to us, and how many of those prayers helped us keep going when we just wanted to collapse.
May Yahuweh bless you in everything that you do.
Now you may think I’m done but this is only the tip of the ice-berg. Until next time!
Acts 17:28a For in Him we live, and move, and have our being.